Twinkle Star...

back in pasir ris. went out for dinner with my parents.

i used to hate it when i was younger. i didn't understand why my parents are different from other's... why can't they speak? why can't they hear? why can't they understand what i want? why must i explain things they don't understand to them? why must i make calls to people whom i don't know for them? why??? i will never be able to write down all the questions i used to have in my mind constantly. it was a period of denial. i wanted to get away. pretended not know them even.

i wanted to be someone special... not someone different.

whenever we go to crowded places, people would fix their gaze on us when we converse in sign language. i would notice that very second and would stop signing immediately. i felt discriminated. i felt out of place. i wished that i was non-existent. sometimes i just feel like screaming "stop staring!" in their face... but i was defeated before i fought. stares make me feel uncomfortable. they make me insecure. they make me as though i am nothing.

i wanted to be someone really special... not someone different.

i made it up in school. nobody knew about my parents. none of my friends nor my teachers. in primary school, i made a name for myself by making all the way to the top - being the head prefect, the chairperson of my class and the chairperson for ALL my CCAs (i had 5 then.) i felt good. i felt important. i felt wanted and appreciated. most importantly, i felt special.

i thought i had everything in my hands. but i wasn't happy. it wasn't true happiness. i felt empty. God was just at the back of my mind. He was someone who would only be remembered on Sundays. i grew up calling myself a christian but i was never one. God was constantly knocking on my door but i never answered. i thought i don't need Him. but the fact is... i do.

reality is i do get more easily irritated when i'm with them. as i constantly try to translate in my mind. as i constantly try to be in their conversation. as i constantly try to help them understand what i want to say. as i constantly try to answer all their questions. as i become the 'spokeperson' for them. when all i want is a peaceful meal.

i'm tired. but at least i know i can fall back on Him and not worry.
through these long years, He had helped me learn to accept who i am, not to be bothered much about what others would think or say (notice the emphasis was on 'much'!) and not to lament on what i do not have, instead rejoice and make full use of what God has given me. i'm still learning... taking a step at a time.

i see my little bro going through this stage now. he must be feeling helpless since i'm not around most of the time. but i had no one to 'share my burden' too when he wasn't born yet!

i need to get some sleep. soon.
can't imagine what it will be like if i have to stay here for the rest of my life.

please.
someone.
talk.
to.
me.

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at least i have them... to keep me company.

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